Hotter Than Me
by Hunter of Artemis101
Summary: Rated T for a shirtless Leo Valdez. "About one house away from where I was walking, an old lady was setting down a pie on her windowsill. My mouth dropped in shock. But, seriously? People really do that? It was like something out of a movie. A mischievous smile etched across my face. I had to have that pie." Turns out that you shouldn't grab hot metal after it had been heated.


**HOTTER THAN ME: **

A boy who can control fire, gets burned. Literally.

Only I could have this luck.

A few weeks ago, I was walking down some random street somewhere near Camp Half Blood. Connor and Travis had sort of taken me underneath their wings when I had arrive with Piper and Jason. We were in the middle of building my baby, the Argo II and had gone down to a store to get supplies.

I really should not have trusted those twins. They had given me directions to cut through a neighborhood to get to the store to save time.

And what do you know? They had given me inaccurate directions and had basically ditched me in the middle of nowhere.

Stupid Stolls, I groaned internally kicking a stone to the side. I know tomorrow we would all be laughing about it, but right now, I was not even close to happy.

So yeah, where were we? Oh, yeah. I was walking down the street when I caught a really, really great smell. Sure, I could catch a bite to eat at McDonalds but this smell- it made my mouth water.

Pie, I recognized instantly.

Did I mention before that I have an addiction to pie? Like, I could be on _My Strange Addictions _ for pie if I kept this up.

I ran a hand through my tangled, brunette curls as I attempted to pinpoint where the ravishing, mouth watering smell was coming from. About one house away from where I was walking an elderly lady was setting down a pie on her windowsill. She looked exactly how stereotype grandmas are supposed to look. Sugar and spice and everything nice. She had soft eyes and a big, sweet smile spread across her face.

My jaw dropped in shock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I mean, yeah, it wasn't that big of a deal, but I was Leo Valdez. Everything that had to do with pie made my mind explode. But, seriously? People really do that? It was like something out of a movie. I never really truly thought that people do this in real life. A mischievous grin exploded across my lips.

I had to have that pie.

I was positive that I had to have it.

I could practically see the image flashing through my mind; sweet, old lady leaves a pie on her windowsill, reckless, juvenile teenager notices, and because he's a growing boy and needs FOOD NOW, his mouth waters, and he scurries along the side of the house desperate to not be seen. He blends in with the house and does a ninja roll to the window. He takes a few looks around to make sure that no one was looking and grabs the pie and makes a run for it. Then, the old lady would look around (certain that her memory is going) thinking where on Earth did that pie go?

Okay, so maybe I would feel a little guilty that I was robbing a lady of her pie, but what the Hades? YOLO. I snicker to myself at the saying that I had recently become acquainted to. It annoys the Zeus out of Piper, so I say it often.

Look at what America is coming.

I took a deep breath and carefully approached the house.

It didn't go exactly as I planned, especially when I tried to do that James Bond ninja roll and tripped over my feat. Oh, well. Win some lose some.

My fingers reach out to grab the pie and I let out a shriek of pain.

"Leo, do you think that maybe she put out the pie to cool for a reason?" Annabeth lectures me in my head. Oh, Gods. What horrible things would you have to do to have Annabeth Chase as your conscience?

I managed to stifle my shriek of pain, but I didn't really have anywhere to set it, so I kind of just dropped it down at my feet. Thankfully, it landed right-side up so the pie was in perfect condition.

And just stared at it cluelessly, completely flabbergasted.

Me. Leo Valdez. Burned by something hot.

Go figure.

Were the Gods playing some sort of trick on me? I never get burned. Ever.

I _was _the definition of heat. Like, you could go into the dictionary and look up 'hot' and there my name will be in printed black and white.

I kept staring at it for a while, before I realized I'd better do something before the old bird realized that her pie was gone. But, there no way in Tarturas I was going to pick the tray up again.

So, I did the only rational thing that any person would do in my situation.

_I took off my shirt. _

Let me repeat that to you in case you're skimming.

I TOOK OFF MY SHIRT.

Before you start making fun of me and calling me the next Jacob Black (or squealing at my lack of clothing), I better explain. You see, I thought it would be a good idea to use my orange Camp Half Blood t-shirt as a potholder type thing.

My badass plan wasn't exactly going as planned.

So anyways, here I was standing at this ladies window, shirtless.

"HEY!" I heard a crackly voice shriek from above. "GIMME BACK MY PIE!" I let out a girlish scream, holding the pie away from her greedy, wrinkled little hands. And let me tell you something, she so did not look like the innocent old lady that she was moments before. Her wrinkled, pruned face was twisted in an angry expression, her eyes red and fiery.

Who knew that the elderly were so protective of their pies?

I let out another scream, "NEVER!"

Although, I had no idea where the "FOR NARNIA," came in from.

Then I sprinted away, running as fast as my legs would carry me. I would've given her pie back if she had said the magic word. You know, please? Sheesh. Common curtsey these days.

Then again, I was stealing a helpless elderly ladies pie.

I ran two blocks, desperately trying to get out of this neighborhood. In case you forgot, I still had no shirt on, holding this pie in my hand.

And even I'll admit, I must've looked pretty freakin' stupid, yet the only thought that kept appearing in my mind was, 'this never happens in old movies.'

I finally spotted an alley way nearby, then ducked for cover.

Then, I looked down at my pie. It was apple pie. The filling was bubbling out the sides, and somewhat spilling on my tan fingertips. I let out an agitated roar and Annabeth (my conscience) began to talk to me again. "Leo, how are you supposed to eat this thing with no utensils?"

I would've face palmed, except for the fact that I was still carrying this pie.

She was right. I didn't have any utensils. Not even a spork. To make matters worse, I had forgotten my tool belt with unlimited supplies back at Camp. I usually brought it everywhere with me, but Nyssa wanted to borrow it.

So here I was with this pie chunks spilling over me. And like I've said already, it was really, really hot. (Just like me.)

I began to felt guilty. Like, gut churning remorse. I'm not an idiot, despite what Annabeth and Piper state teasingly to me every day. I know what it takes to make a pie. Wanna know how? Cause I'm obsessed with the darned things. Nah, not really. Because my mother used to make them for me all the time before her passing. It's hard. It took mom hours to even get the crust formed and shaped into the right size.

I saw the image of that old lady making horrible pies every day of the year, and never turning out just right. Maybe all of her pies had been unsuccessful for years, and this is the first year that she managed to get it right. She would give a hurray at her success, place it on the windowsill to cool, maybe even take a picture of it and post it on Instagram.

What have I done?

Maybe this lady was like seriously depressed, and so she picked up pie baking as a new hobby, something to keep her mind of the debilitating numbness crippling her everyday life.

And she set her work on the windowsill thinking, maybe life will actually get better. Then she went to get a camera or whatever old people use to take pictures to post it on Instagram or something.

Then it was gone, and when she went to go search for it, a shirtless teenage boy was holding it hostage, and when she demanded for it back the boy took off running taking her first real accomplishment literally right out of her life. So then she would fall into that depression again, continuing to make pies, but none would match up to that Apple Pie that the teenage boy had stolen from her.

Not only did I rob this elderly of her pie, I robbed her spirit.

I sank to the side of the alleyway, having my own pity party.

And then I got to the stage where you blame it all on one person. She could've put a screen on that damned window, so I couldn't have fallen through with the evil temptation of robbing an old lady her first decent pie.

I blame Hollywood.

Maybe if they hadn't made all those movies and videos of people stealing pies, I never would've gotten the idea to actually do it.

But then again, that lady would never make the same mistake again, would she?

Still, it wasn't enough to make me feel a sliver of a bit better.

Suddenly, a light shined on my face and I was to my feet, ready to deal with whatever monster who dared challenged the great, powerful, commander of the Argo II- LEO VALDEZ! *Cheering in the background.*

But to my shock, it wasn't a monster, but a cop. He grabbed my practically by my flesh, lifting me to my feet. He was ripped. If The Hulk had a twin human brother, that would be him.

I gulped at his muscular frame, trying not to seethe in pain from how hard he was ripping into my flesh. The elderly lady with the was right next to him, waving her cane around.

"That's that juvenile brat, Officer! And that's my pie." She gave me a wrinkled, smug smile and my guilt was gone. That little...

The officer with the mustache glowered at me, scowling scornfully. It seems he finally noticed that I was shirtless.

_Kids these days, _I could practically hear him saying in his mind. _Trying to make sex videos with pie. _

If looks could kill, I'd be dead and sentenced into Tarturas.

I laughed nervously, holding up the pie like it was a pile of money. "Pie?"

And that was how I ended up covered in Apple Pie with bruises from the elder lady beating me with her cane.

Only I could have this luck.

**A/N: OMG...I wrote a somewhat happy fanfic? Wow...I'm such a weirdo. This idea just popped into my head and I couldn't get it out, so BAM! Here we are. Oh, shirtless, sexy Leo. I still love you, even though you're a pie thief. Please review, follow, and favorite! Everything means so much to me! **


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